"All you do is take pictures of birds"

Several days ago I met a rather eccentric Norwegian man. Now he said this eccentricity of his was due to not having spoken to many people since being on the road. However, Norway isn’t that far. Plus the man had to make good haste, as he was in the process of abruptly altering his life course. The kind of calling you get to move somewhere hot and start a perpendicular new life. Now this meant he had only been on the road a little over a week. And this is yet more evidence to my theory that Norweagians are true Nordics…. Sure sure they might have grabbed the opportunity to call their language Nordic. But you know I think they’re hiding something. No people can be that charismatic and socially capable after spending months annually as prisoners to weather. They are nothing like the true Nordics, who are absolutely baffled by the concept of other people! Something is a muck you can’t trust happy social people!

The Norwegian The Norwegian2

Anyways, that is all besides the point. This man promised to hook me up with a free stint at his luxurious surf camp, if I wrote a piece about him. So here it is. I’ll see you soon, Nicolai... It's not even a Norwegian name. THEY ARE PLAYING US LIKE FOOLS! (He didn’t actually, but I feel I can use this as leverage)

Serial killer vibes

Now when we were exchanging the modern business cards. He made a passing comment, revealing his true colours as an assailant of the Norwegian regime.

“Oh all you do is take pictures of birds…”

Which first off is demonstrably false. And secondly coming from a man who is stereotypically Norwegian. Serial killer look - check. Oh he’s from Norway I wonder what his hobbies are, golf? Football?



That backhanded comment did not go down well at the time, I contemplated driving off with him on the roof, nothing like 60mph wind and screeching tyres on a moonless night to rouse a man into a fear frenzy. Although the idea of inflicting white knuckle fear in the man seemed highly justified at the time, and still so in retrospect, I was unsure what breed of Norwegian Nazi I was dealing with. You can never be too careful around them, you know “Man Hunting” is their third most popular pastime, behind shooting and clubbing whales. The comment still fouls my taste, so this will now be an opinion piece on birds. So settle down Year 3 class, it’s David’s turn to tell us now why his favourite animal is… birds.

Sweden berry bird
Sweden berry bird2 Stork

What is the most prolific animal in the world, disregarding those apes that have apparently broken free? It's those fucking dinosaurs! Every corner of the world you'll find those feathery freaks. Their haunting calls regiment the sun. They tour half the world each year just cause the weather gets shit. In the highest peaks and the most barren deserts there they are. Soaring free over their frontier kingdom. A silent death, they patrol the night. They inhabit all hemispheres, the Pacific one and the one with all the land and stuff. One of the few stubborn beasts still clinging on to the frozen continent. Those non milk drinking, hollow boned chickens.

Corrorant Stonechat

An excellent reincarnation choice, unbounded freedom who wouldn't want that? But it must be a lonely life. To spend hours each day floating in the wind in constant search of food, of others, of a better home. Their songs echo in woods and plains, how often these conversations or just harmonious melodies lost to the void. Roosting together, their celestial scheduled shouts, a desperate plea to know they're not alone in the darkness.

Albatross Albatross chick

Often only mating for life, and yet each day both go separate ways to their daily routine. Most stick to the comfort of having the safety of solid ground beneath their feet. But others dare to wander beyond, roaming free until the closest meaningful land is half the world away. Freedom to roam the world, to disappear over the horizon without a trace, but how’s a little bird meant to know its place.

Birds on the wire
Corrorant out at sea Some aussie land chicken

But to me, I think the best thing is they are improbable relics from a time impossibly long ago, of a planet so alien, yet so real. A gentle reminder that despite all the odds and getting punched in the face by an asteroid. They made it. And they like to rub it in our evolutionarily faces with their flamboyant style, obnoxiously loud songs, and did I mention they can fly? We got smashed by a big flying thing so fuck you we're gonna fly back at ya! And you know what, I think I've earned it to be a little flashy. Good on ya, you scaly freaks. I for one will join the house of bird!

flock of gulls
kingfisher silhouette
house of bird

Tills nästa gång. Hejdå.